As promised, here are a few more entries and excerpts to illustrate just how talented all of you are. I had a great time hosting this contest and loved reading all of your entries. I am well aware you have a limited time to spend reading blogs and I’m grateful you have taken the time to read this one. Please let me know in comments or via email what I can to to improve the blog (I mean, apart from promising you first place in all subsequent writing contests).
Okay, now the good stuff.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(Here’s one I really liked, but it’s almost double the word count so I didn’t feel comfortable bending the rules that much to include it in the top 10.)
“He’s doing it again,” she told me.
“Doing what?”
“It.”
I looked out the window of our bedroom. Our neighbor was outside on his watch. The light for our floor was directly above our window. It was five in the morning, and our neighbor was up for his run. He pressed the buttons setting the pedometer or stopwatch or whatever the hell else that thing did that made it beep so loudly.
“Tell him to stop,” she said.
The beeping persisted.
“You first,” I said.
We both lay there, the beeping continuing.
“Jesus,” she said after a while. “I need higher standards in men.”
I took the pillow she’d stolen from me in the middle of the night (like she always did) and placed it under my head. Turning in the bed, I heard our neighbor the runner stretch. The silhoutte of him was was visible. He had on a shirt, but straggling strands of hair jutted out from his shirt and shorts.
“Go away,” she shouted.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. I’d fallen asleep for a moment, but now I was awake again and remembering she probably wasn’t shouting at me, unless I’d farted in the bed again.
“Go away,” she shouted again.
The man stood up. For a moment, I thought he’d become aware after weeks of her intermittent commands at him to program his watch elsewhere. Then he sent one leg back and stretched out in a lunge while the beeping started again.
“If he doesn’t have a heart condition and if that isn’t some kind of lifesaving monitor, so help me God,” she said.
“You’re as noisy as he is.”
“I live here. I can be as noisy as I damn well please.”
I rolled over and felt the pillow sink away, my head plopping down onto the single, thin pillow left. Sighing, I got up, pillow in hand, and went into the living room and lay down on the couch. I drew the thin blanket lying on the couch over me.
“What are you doing?” she called from the bedroom.
“The Jitterbug.”
She was quiet a moment. The runner was not. It was so unreasonable an amount of beeps that the watchmaker seemed culpable.
[Brad]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I hate the cold and dark. One or the other isn’t so bad, but both? Torture.
He’s forgotten me again…Oh, don’t worry, it happens.
Richard is getting older and, unfortunately, more forgetful. We’ve been together nearly 20 years now. I came along right after he retired. Even after all this time he still fondly calls me a “gift”. I suppose it’s just his way, Richard is a soft touch for anything even remotely sentimental I’m sure that’s why I’m still around.
Such a sweet man, it’s so sad his wife died suddenly like that, just days before he retired. I know Richard is still missing her. Sometimes he talks out loud like she’s right there in the room with us. I try not to let it bother me, but it worries me sometimes. I’m afraid one of his kids will walk in here without him knowing, hear him talking like that, find me in here next to the car keys and frozen peas then bustle him off to a home!
And then where would I be?
Why I’d most likely stolen by some disgruntled orderly or crazy lady with a penchant for wristwatches.
Now that would be a shame.
[Rachel]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(Here’s another clever entry that works as a fun short story.)
I ran into the bedroom for another watch with a stopwatch function. I sat down, closed my eyes and hit “start”. Then I tried to distract myself with something that couldn’t help me keep track of the time by normal means. But what? I attempted to remember the presidents in order, but got stuck around Polk.
I lay back, frustrated. What could I say to Brigitte to make up for being late again? Or was getting to bean me with my own wristwatch enough? Good thing she’s so freakin’ cute, with those green eyes and the spiky red hair…
OK, that was probably enough. I hit the stop button and declared to the empty room, “Two minutes and 3 seconds,” opened my eyes and looked at the display: 00:02:03.000.
I felt the lump on my head again. Slightly raised, perfectly circular, about one inch in diameter. In the mirror, it looked bruised purple, but no open wound. The sick feeling intensified, and I barely made it to the bathroom before losing my lunch.
Okay, I thought. Okay, calm down. So this is either a very realistic hallucination, or I’m now the proud owner of the world’s most boring superpower.
[Andrea]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(And here are some excerpts from a few of the other entries.)
He was sure his heart tocked to each tick of the beast on his wrist, and he wished he wouldn’t glance at it every few beats as he quick-walked through the summer heat of city sidewalks. But the incense of anticipation rocked him, and he inhaled it like oxygen. [Nicole]
***
My heart raced and I started to pace nervously as the noise became deafening. Music, laughter, splashing water – even girls screaming in delight couldn’t pry my mind off the thought of her being alone with such a Casanova. [Stefne]
***
I wasn’t entirely alone in the bedroom, though I’d wished to be. Instead a constant pounding of Tom’s images flooded my mind, penetrating me with the rough-stubbles along his jaw-line, his course sandy tresses, and even the coldness of his gold-rimmed wrist watch. [Marcie]
***
Fascinated, the man reached out to nudge the object, half expecting it to be hot. He smiled as he held it in his hand, caressing its smooth cool surface, captivated by each intricate detail. He stepped closer to the fire when he noticed unfamiliar markings on the circular centerpiece. As he scrutinized it, he noticed movement within. He tapped it sharply to determine if it was alive. [Jana]
***
He had ceased to wear it as a timepiece, instead, it was a memorial. [Malia]
***
I had to squint in order to read the tiny numbers that were clearly meant to be legible only to children. And gnomes. How could I be so stupid? I scolded myself. It had happened to me once before, but twice? I closed my eyes and put my head down on the table. It was going to be a long wait. [Holly]
***
With each painful, methodical step he obsessively checked his watch. He had been walking for seven hours and twenty-one minutes. He figured he had another hour of daylight. The expanse of the lava field in front of him seemed endless but he had already come too far – going back was not an option. [Patricia]
***
“It’s a beautiful watch. I’ll give you $200,” she heard. The pawn shop owner’s voice interrupted her foggy stream of thoughts. “Done,” she replied without hesitation and picking up what was left of her pride, she left. [Tara]
***
Yes, of course, I have my fair share of sleepless nights where I’m tossing in a too-warm bed and flinging sloppy pillows back and forth — one side of my ribs to the other — all because the only thing worth doing more than sleeping is thinking about how much time I still have to fall asleep before the morning alarm. [Liz]
***
Anna wasn’t sure exactly when she realized the world was synchronized, but she was sure it had all started when her alarm went off. The persistent machine woke her gradually, and above her head the upstairs neighbor seemed to be stomping in time to the rhythm of her alarm. [TTC]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Comments
6 responses to “More Good Words from Contest Entries”
I suppose my entry was a little too short story-ish, but I’m glad it was at least excerpted. Thanks for that. It was fun & I look forward to more contests.
I’ve noticed that you seem to, perhaps, prefer first person perspective. Is that right? And, if so, why? It’s kind of funny that I criticized my husband’s scene because it was in first person. Unfortunately, he didn’t submit it. He’s gonna say, “I told you so” when/if he reads the other submissions. 🙂
Interesting observation. I didn’t think about POV at all while reading, and certainly didn’t make a conscious choice to choose first person over third person. I just read and allowed the words to speak. It may just be coincidence, or perhaps the limited number of words gave the edge to first person? I’ll need to ponder that for a bit.
Glad you had fun. Come back often. And bring your husband next time.
I’m probably just over-analyzing. I went back to count. It’s pretty much an even split out of all the pieces you featured. 12 first person, 11 third person. And out of the top 10, it’s 5-5. Though I did notice the three finalists that you mentioned you particularly liked the “unique voice” were first person/narrator.
I’m not saying that I don’t like first person at all. I liked most of the entries featured here. I just tend to gravitate toward third person for some reason. I can see how this particular challenge would be easier to do in first person. It was very difficult for me to whittle mine down to 200 words. I tend to be a little verbose, as you can see.
BTW, I like that you answer your comments.
I’m trying to keep up with comments, but I’m a little behind on previous posts. I’m just glad to have comments to reply to!
Possibly related:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105685925
“One of the most effective ways to get a very short story vivid,” he says, “is to think in terms of voice.” Maybe the character narrates the story, for example, or perhaps the story is told within the consciousness of the character. “In other words,” Wood says, “thinking in terms of the story as a dramatic monologue.”
(PS, everyone, that link is to another very-short-fiction contest!)
That’s a great quote and right on the mark about the all-important role of “voice.” Thanks for the link, too. Hmm…maybe it’s time for me to do some writing. I hereby challenge all of you noveldoc readers to join me in entering the NPR contest. You can have up to 600 words and I think the deadline is July 18th. Click the link to learn more. (BTW, 600 words of concise writing is three times harder than 200, not three times easier. Those other 400 words have to be just as tightly written as the first 200. Have fun!)